A KICK IN THE TEETH FROM COLGATE

• Document Type: CREST
• Collection: General CIA Records
• Document Number (FOIA) /ESDN (CREST): CIA-RDP90-00965R000201190002-0
• Release Decision: RIPPUB
• Original Classification: K
• Document Page Count: 1
• Document Creation Date: December 22, 2016
• Document Release Date: January 13, 2012
• Sequence Number: 2
• Publication Date: December 8, 1985
• Content Type: OPEN SOURCE

Si Declassified in Part - Sanitized Copy Approved for Release 2012/01/13: CIA-RD
I
MTICLEAF71-EARED r. CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Ott PAGE A_.% C-5 8 December 1985
A kick in the teeth from Colgate
WASHINGTON-One of my daughters came home
with a new tube of toothpaste the other day and
ruined my week.
It had been one of those weeks anyway, and my
peace of mind did not really require an introduction
to a toothpaste with its own 800 phone number.
First there had been Sen. Jesse HI lm the
Carolina su rconservative meeting with CIA Di-
rector William se to discuss w t ms and
some of his es might a sst a pro-
Soviet bias" in t re CIA's national security
estimates.
The CIA takin a ro-Soviet tilt? Even for Jesse
Helms t seemed a bit etc .
Then President Reagan went over to Maryland
and told a group of high school students that at the
recent Geneva summit meeting he had talked with
Mikhail Gorbachev about the U.S. teaming up in an
alliance with the Russians if Earth were threatened
by "alien" invaders from outer space--by "some
other species from another planet."
That seemed a touch premature and at least
mildly presumptuous to me. How can we be sure
those invaders wouldn't be our kind of guys-free
enterprisers who eat Big Macs and apple pie and
are only interested in the Dow Jones industrial
average hitting 1600 and getting an expansion fran-
chise in the National League?
Why should we assume they would represent some
kind of "evil empire" more evil than Reagan has
said the Soviets are?
All these weighty considerations, however, went
by the boards when my daughter brought home the
toothpaste. Colgate, it was, in a new-type tube
topped by a pump.
The world is getting more and more complicated,
I know. Well into my middle age, for instance, we
didn't have presidents who were worrying about
superpower alliances to ward off aliens from anoth-
er planet.
But this new toothpaste tube is too much for me.
In my whole life I have really mastered only two
worthwhile skills-changing typewriter ribbons and
getting the cap off and back on a tube of toothpaste.
Almost all modern packaging and definitely all
odd jobs defeat me. What I really need to open a can
of dog food or change a leaky faucet washer is a
large supply of Band-Aids. I qualify for the Purple
Heart every time I pick up a can opener or a
Raymond Coffey
wrench. I've been wounded trying to turn the key in
the front door.
But I was good at typewriter ribbons and tooth-
paste caps.
Then we threw out typewriters and switched to
computers and overnight I became 50 percent tech-
nologically obsolete.
Now the toothpaste people are on the way to
making me totally useless and incompetent. I'm
going to have to start all over again. I may be
pushed into early retirement.
Certainly there will be no room for me in the 21st
Century.
This new pump-type toothpaste tube comes com-
plete with instructions. "Instructions. Remove white
protective tab from nozzle [A] and discard. Depress
white button [B] to dispense gel. Replace outer cap
after use."
For the functionally illiterate among us there is
also a diagram.
Can you imagine it? Having to take lessons in how
to operate your toothpaste tube? Back in the good
old days we took lessons in how to tie shoelaces but
most of us, I believe, just went out on our own and
mastered the problem of getting toothpaste out of
the tube without help from anyone.
Colgate also seems to have lost faith in the fabled
American spirit of the pioneers, of can-do adventur-
ousness and self-confident self-reliance.
Along with the written instructions and diagram
on how to operate the new toothpaste tube, it has
included, on the box and on the tube itself, this note:
"If you have any questions or comments about the
Colgate pump, please call us toll-free at 1-800-221-
4607."
I can picture a lot of people [starting with me]
calling with comments. But can you imagine anyone
with any sense of self-esteem calling a toothpaste
company and admitting he needs help getting the
toothpaste out of the tube?
That would be humiliating. I still think I may be
able to do it on my own. Just give me another three
or four weeks to practice.
Declassified in Part - Sanitized Copy Approved for Release 2012/01/13: CIA-RDP90-00965R000201190002-0